The Life of Evil

Evil owned a stereo and let her cousin borrow it for three months and when she got it back the record button was missing.
Evil woke up next to a hairy lumberjack and laughed so hard she pissed the bed.
Evil once told a story about her mother that was untrue but after transcribing it, won a playwright contest.
Evil knew a boy named Damien who made her stand in the middle of the street as a Frisbee target or else she would have to play in the basement with his cross eyed sister.
Evil never takes sugar on her cereal.
Evil goes to see movies by herself because she likes to laugh when and if she thinks it's fucking funny.
Evil washes her laundry twice a week because she always throws clean clothes in the hamper.
Evil cheated on her SAT's and two boyfriends, who both rebounded with the same girl named Nicole.
Evil doesn't wear green on St. Patrick's Day and if anyone pinches her, she kisses them.
Evil has a cat named Krueger and they hunt coyotes in the summer desert.
Evil dances with her shoulders and not her hips.
Evil shaved her head in the garage while her brother danced around her and played the didjeridoo.
Evil once tried to show off for the girl's varsity cheerleading squad by doing her trick where she puts her legs behind her head, except that she farted on the linoleum tile and was so embarrassed that she locked herself in the closet all night.
Evil had an abortion and every year on the unborn child's death day, she finds a butterfly and kills it, so that her baby will have them to chase after in heaven.
Evil never paints her toenails and fingernails the same color.
Evil wears black bras under white shirts because she thinks that bras under white shirts are obvious anyway.
Evil left her mother at the hospital after she had a hysterectomy because she had a fourth of July party to attend.
Evil sings Etta James in the shower.
Evil hates dogs because they hump and lick and sniff and they stink to high heaven.
Evil is a good snuggler, but about fifteen minutes into it she just needs her own goddamned space.
Evil wears glasses with no prescription to make up for her sickeningly sweet Texan accent.
Evil doesn't speak to her father because he doesn't speak to her sister.
Evil's friend used to fake seizures, while Evil stole packs of cigarettes from the grocery store.
Evil wore a handmade dress to prom and left early to fuck a college boy in the attic of his parent's house.
Evil once painted a nude picture of Medusa with her arms cut off and her mother burned it because she said it was degrading to women.
Evil married a wealthy man twice her age but when they divorced she didn't try to take any of his money, so he sent her to Parson's design school and set her up in an apartment in Manhattan.
Evil met a fag named Mikey who liked her pants and they were best friends from that day on.
Evil got too drunk at her boyfriend's first gallery showing and told his publicist that he likes for her to eat out his asshole.
Evil went on a crash diet of soy beans and orange juice, but then her b.o. smelled like chicken so she quit and got a membership at the gym.
Evil has told 35 men, since she was eleven years old, that she loved them romantically and she thinks maybe she really did.
Evil drinks white Russians and sometimes vodka tonics but butterscotch is definitely her flavor of choice.
Evil went to a psychic who offered to tell her the day she would die, but instead she wanted to know the day a man would finally give her an orgasm and if possible, his telephone number.
Evil doesn't believe in God because she got sick of blaming him for everything.
Evil does believe that her eyelashes could be just a little bit longer.
Evil is learning to shake her hips when she dances.
Evil reads the last line of the book first, just because she can.