Funny Signs

• Plumber:
  "We repair what your husband fixed."

• Pizza shop slogan:
  "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

• At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
  "Invite us to your next blow out."

• Door of a plastic surgeons office:
  "Hello, can we pick your nose?"

• Sign at the psychic's hotline:
  "Don't call us, we'll call you."

• At a laundry shop:
  "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

• At a towing company:
  "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

• Billboard on the side of the road:
  "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

• On an electricians truck:
  "Let us remove your shorts."

• In a non-smoking area:
  "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

• On maternity room door:
  "Push, Push, Push."

• At an optometrists office
  "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."

• On a taxidermist's window:
  "We really know our stuff."

• In a Podiatrist's office:
  "Time wounds all heels."

• On a Butchers window:
  "Let me meat your needs."

• On a fence:
  "Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive."

• At a car dealership:
  "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

• Outside a muffler shop:
  "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

• Outside a hotel:
  "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

• On a desk in a reception room:
  "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."

• In a veterinarians waiting room:
  "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"

• At the electric company:
  "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."

• On the door of a computer store:
  "Out for a quick byte."

• In a restaurant window:
  "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

• Inside a bowling alley:
  "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

• In the front yard of a funeral home:
  "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

• In a counsellors office:
  "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

• At a Santa Fe gas station:
  "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

• In a New York restaurant:
  "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

• On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
  "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy"

• On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
  "38 years on the same spot."

• In a Los Angeles dance hall:
  "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

• In a Florida maternity ward:
  "No children allowed."

• In a New York drugstore:
  "We dispense with accuracy."

• In the offices of a loan company:
  "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

• In a New York medical building:
  "Mental Health Prevention Center"

• On a New York convalescent home:
  "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

• On a Maine shop:
  "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

• At a number of military bases:
  "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

• On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
  "Now available in multi-packs."

• In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
  "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

• In a funeral parlor:
  "Ask about our layaway plan."

• In a clothing store:
  "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

• In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
  "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

• On a shopping mall marquee:
  "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"

• Outside a country shop:
  "We buy junk and sell antiques."

• In the window of an Oregon store:
  "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

• In a Maine restaurant:
  "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

• On a radiator repair garage:
  "Best place to take a leak."

• In the vestry of a New England church:
  "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

• In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
  "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

• On a roller coaster:
  "Watch your head."

• On the grounds of a public school:
  "No trespassing without permission."

• On a Tennessee highway:
  "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

• Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
  "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

• And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says,
  "Do not throw stones at this sign."