Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex."

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.

He said, "I'd like to have one too."

Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old."

He said, "You must have been quite a kid!"

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."

He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.

I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace.

My family is barred from the church from then on.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.

He said, "Every room in the place is for sex."

I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.

I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets.

"But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on T.V."

He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."

The judge said, "Me too."

Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me.

He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?"

I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me forever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely,"

And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog."