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If IBM made toasters ...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted
for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe
six toasters.
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If Microsoft made toasters ...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster.
You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it
anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced
steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up
95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that
lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would
secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone
would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most
of the good bread only works with their toasters.
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If Apple made toasters ...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
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If Xerox made toasters ...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter
and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
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If Radio Shack made toasters ...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you
could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
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If Oracle made toasters ...
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of
bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still
in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed
the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
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If Sun made toasters ...
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.
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If Hewlett-Packard made toasters ...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives
you regular bread.
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If The Rand Corporation made toasters ...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning
there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would
have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly
classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about
it.
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If Sony made toasters ...
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread
it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
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If Fisher Price made toasters ...
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to
toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
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If the Franklin Mint made toasters ...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your
authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.
