1. Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks.

2. In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by the Governor.

3. Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at muskrats and ATF agents.

4. Urine drug test transformed into "Distance Competition."

5. Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.

6. Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of gold, silver, and bronze teeth.

7. Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets.

8. Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to all them extra toes.

9. Two words Billy Bob-sledding.

10. Ballroom dancing will be replaced with a hoe-down and participants must be from the same family.

11. The pistol in the hundred yard dash will be loaded with real bullets, "Jist so's we can git a wurld recurd out of dem runners."

12. Beach volleyball will be replaced with tether ball.

13. The equestrian event will be replaced with Pit-bull boxing.