Knights E-book
Author: Aristophanes
Genre: Comedy, Drama
424 BC
THE KNIGHTS
by Aristophanes
anonymous translator
Electronically Enhanced Text (c) Copyright 1996, World Library(R)
CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY
-
DEMOSTHENES
NICIAS
AGORACRITUS, a Sausage-Seller
CLEON
DEMOS
CHORUS OF KNIGHTS
THE KNIGHTS
-
(SCENE:- The Orchestra represents the Pnyx at Athens; in the
background is the house of DEMOS.)
-
DEMOSTHENES
OH! alas! alas! Oh! woe! oh! woe! Miserable Paphlagonian! may the
gods destroy both him and his cursed advice! Since that evil day when
this new slave entered the house he has never ceased belabouring us
with blows.
-
NICIAS
May the plague seize him, the arch-fiend- him and his lying tales!
-
DEMOSTHENES
Hah! my poor fellow, what is your condition?
-
NICIAS
Very wretched, just like your own.
-
DEMOSTHENES
Then come, let us sing a duet of groans in the style of Olympus.
-
DEMOSTHENES AND NICIAS
Boo, hoo! boo, hoo! boo, hoo! boo, hoo! boo, hoo! boo, hoo!!
-
DEMOSTHENES
Bah! it's lost labour to weep! Enough of groaning! Let us consider
how to save our pelts.
-
NICIAS
But how to do it! Can you suggest anything?
-
DEMOSTHENES
No, you begin. I cede you the honour.
-
NICIAS
By Apollo! no, not I. Come, have courage! Speak, and then I will
say what I think.
-
DEMOSTHENES (in tragic style)
"Ah! would you but tell me what I should tell you!"
-
NICIAS
I dare not. How could I express my thoughts with the pomp of
Euripides?
-
DEMOSTHENES
Oh! please spare me! Do not pelt me with those vegetables, but
find some way of leaving our master.
-
NICIAS
Well, then! Say "Let-us-bolt," like this, in one breath.
-
DEMOSTHENES
I follow you- "Let-us-bolt."
-
NICIAS
Now after "Let-us-bolt" say "at-top-speed!"
-
DEMOSTHENES
"At-top-speed!"
-
NICIAS
Splendid! Just as if you were masturbating; first slowly,
"Let-us-bolt"; then quick and firmly, "at-top-speed!"
-
DEMOSTHENES
Let-us-bolt, let-us-bolt-at-top-speed!
-
NICIAS
Hah! does that not please you?
-
DEMOSTHENES
Yes, indeed, yet I fear your omen bodes no good to my hide.
-
NICIAS
How so?
-
DEMOSTHENES
Because masturbation chafes the skin.
-
NICIAS
The best thing we can do for the moment is to throw ourselves at
the feet of the statue of some god.
-
DEMOSTHENES
Of which statue? Any statue? Do you then believe there are gods?
-
NICIAS
Certainly.
-
DEMOSTHENES
What proof have you?
-
NICIAS
The proof that they have taken a grudge against me. Is that not
enough?
-
DEMOSTHENES
I'm convinced it is. But to pass on. Do you consent to my telling
the spectators of our troubles?
-
NICIAS
There's nothing wrong with that, and we might ask them to show us
by their manner, whether our facts and actions are to their liking.
-
DEMOSTHENES
I will begin then. We have a very brutal master, a perfect glutton
for beans, and most bad-tempered; it's Demos of the Pnyx, an
intolerable old man and half deaf. The beginning of last month he bought a slave, a Paphlagonian tanner, an arrant rogue, the
incarnation of calumny. This man of leather knows his old master
thoroughly; he plays the fawning cur, flatters, cajoles, wheedles, and
dupes him at will with little scraps of leavings, which he allows him
to get. "Dear Demos," he will say, "try a single case and you will
have done enough; then take your bath, eat, swallow and devour; here
are three obols." Then the Paphlagonian filches from one of us what we
have prepared and makes a present of it to our old man. The other day
I had just kneaded a Spartan cake at Pylos, the cunning rogue came
behind my back, sneaked it and offered the cake, which was my
invention, in his own name. He keeps us at a distance and suffers none
but himself to wait upon the master; when Demos is dining, he keeps
close to his side with a thong in his hand and puts the orators to
flight. He keeps singing oracles to him, so that the old man now
thinks of nothing but the Sibyl. Then, when he sees him thoroughly
obfuscated, he uses all his cunning and piles up lies and calumnies
against the household; then we are scourged and the Paphlagonian
runs about among the slaves to demand contributions with threats and
gathers them in with both hands. He will say, "You see how I have
had Hylas beaten! Either content me or die at once!" We are forced
to give, for otherwise the old man tramples on us and makes us crap
forth all our body contains. (To NICIAS) There must be an end to it,
friend. Let us see! what can be done? Who will get us out of this
mess?
-
NICIAS
The best thing, friend, is our famous "Let-us-bolt!"
-
DEMOSTHENES
But none can escape the Paphlagonian, his eye is everywhere. And
what a stride! He has one leg on Pylos and the other in the Assembly;
his arse gapes exactly over the land of the Chaonians, his hands are
with the Aetolians and his mind with the Clopidians.
-
NICIAS
It's best then to die; but let us seek the most heroic death.
-
DEMOSTHENES
Let me think, what is the most heroic?
-
NICIAS
Let us drink the blood of a bull; that's the death Themistocles
chose.
-
DEMOSTHENES
No, not that, but a bumper of good unmixed wine in honour of the
Good Genius; perchance we may stumble on a happy thought.
-
NICIAS
Look at him! "Unmixed wine!" Your mind is on drink intent? Can a
man strike out a brilliant thought when drunk?
-
DEMOSTHENES
Without question. Go, ninny, blow yourself out with water; do you
dare to accuse wine of clouding the reason? Quote me more marvellous
effects than those of wine. Look! when a man drinks, he is rich,
everything he touches succeeds, he gains lawsuits, is happy and helps
his friends. Come, bring hither quick a flagon of wine, that I may
soak my brain and get an ingenious idea.
-
NICIAS
My God! What can your drinking do to help us?
-
DEMOSTHENES
Much. But bring it to me, while I take my seat. Once drunk, I
shall strew little ideas, little phrases, little reasonings
everywhere.
(NICIAS enters the house and returns almost immediately with a
bottle.)
-
NICIAS
It is lucky I was not caught in the house stealing the wine.
-
DEMOSTHENES
Tell me, what is the Paphlagonian doing now?
-
NICIAS
The wretch has just gobbled up some confiscated cakes; he is drunk
and lies at full-length snoring on his hides.
-
DEMOSTHENES
Very well, come along, pour me out wine and plenty of it.
-
NICIAS
Take it and offer a libation to your Good Genius.
-
DEMOSTHENES (to himself)
Inhale, ah, inhale the spirit of the genius of Pramnium. (He
drinks. Inspiredly) Ah! Good Genius, thine the plan, not mine!
-
NICIAS
Tell me, what is it?
-
DEMOSTHENES
Run indoors quick and steal the oracles of the Paphlagonian, while
he is asleep.
-
NICIAS
Bless me! I fear this Good Genius will be but a very Bad Genius
for me.
- (He goes into the house.)
-
DEMOSTHENES
And I'll set the flagon near me, that I may moisten my wit to
invent some brilliant notion.
- (NICIAS enters the house and returns at once.)
-
NICIAS
How loudly the Paphlagonian farts and snores! I was able to seize
the sacred oracle, which he was guarding with the greatest care,
without his seeing me.
-
DEMOSTHENES
Oh! clever fellow! Hand it here, that I may read. Come, pour me
out some drink, bestir yourself! Let me see what there is in it. Oh!
prophecy! Some drink! some drink! Quick!
-
NICIAS
Well! what says the oracle?
-
DEMOSTHENES
Pour again.
-
NICIAS
Is "pour again" in the oracle?
-
DEMOSTHENES
Oh, Bacis!
-
NICIAS
But what is in it?
-
DEMOSTHENES
Quick! some drink!
-
NICIAS
Bacis is very dry!
-
DEMOSTHENES
Oh! miserable Paphlagonian! This then is why you have so long
taken such precautions; your horoscope gave you qualms of terror.
-
NICIAS
What does it say?
-
DEMOSTHENES
It says here how he must end.
-
NICIAS
And how?
-
DEMOSTHENES
How? the oracle announces clearly that a dealer in oakum must
first govern the city.
-
NICIAS
That's one tradesman. And after him, who?
-
DEMOSTHENES
After him, a sheep-dealer.
-
NICIAS
Two tradesmen, eh? And what is this one's fate?
-
DEMOSTHENES
To reign until a filthier scoundrel than he arises; then he
perishes and in his place the leather-seller appears, the Paphlagonian
robber, the bawler, who roars like a torrent.
-
NICIAS
And the leather-seller must destroy the sheep-seller?
-
DEMOSTHENES
Yes.
-
NICIAS
Oh woe is me! Where can another seller be found, is there ever a
one left?
-
DEMOSTHENES
There is yet one, who plies a first-rate trade.
-
NICIAS
Tell me, pray, what is that?
-
DEMOSTHENES
You really want to know?
-
NICIAS
Yes.
-
DEMOSTHENES
Well then! it's a sausage-seller who must overthrow him.
-
NICIAS
A sausage-seller! Ah! by Posidon! what a fine trade! But where can
this man be found?
-
DEMOSTHENES
Let's seek him. But look! there he is, going towards the
market-place; 'tis the gods, the gods who send him! (Calling out) This
way, this way, oh; lucky sausage-seller, come forward, dear friend,
our saviour, the saviour of our city.
(Enter AGORACRITUS, a seller of sausages, carrying a basket of his
wares.)
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
What is it? Why do you call me?
-
DEMOSTHENES
Come here, come and learn about your good luck, you who are
Fortune's favourite!
-
NICIAS
Come! Relieve him of his basket-tray and tell him the oracle of
the god; I will go and look after the Paphlagonian.
- (He goes into the house.)
-
DEMOSTHENES
First put down all your gear, then worship the earth and the gods.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Done. What is the matter?
-
DEMOSTHENES
Happiness, riches, power; to-day you have nothing, to-morrow you
will have all, oh! chief of happy Athens.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Why not leave me to wash my tripe and to sell my sausages instead
of making game of me?
-
DEMOSTHENES
Oh! the fool! Your tripe! Do you see these tiers of people?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Yes.
-
DEMOSTHENES
You shall be master to them all, governor of the market, of the
harbours, of the Pnyx; you shall trample the Senate under foot, be
able to cashier the generals, load them with fetters, throw them
into gaol, and you will fornicate in the Prytaneum.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
What! I?
-
DEMOSTHENES
You, without a doubt. But you do not yet see all the glory
awaiting you. Stand on your basket and look at all the islands that
surround Athens.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
I see them. What then?
-
DEMOSTHENES
Look at the storehouses and the shipping.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Yes, I am looking.
-
DEMOSTHENES
Exists there a mortal more blest than you? Furthermore, turn
your right eye towards Caria and your left toward Carthage!
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Then it's a blessing to be cock-eyed!
-
DEMOSTHENES
No, but you are the one who is going to trade away all this.
According to the oracle you must become the greatest of men.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Just tell me how a sausage-seller can become a great man.
-
DEMOSTHENES
That is precisely why you will be great, because you are a sad
rascal without shame, no better than a common market rogue.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
I do not hold myself worthy of wielding power.
-
DEMOSTHENES
Oh! by the gods! Why do you not hold yourself worthy? Have you
then such a good opinion of yourself? Come, are you of honest
parentage?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
By the gods! No! of very bad indeed.
-
DEMOSTHENES
Spoilt child of fortune, everything fits together to ensure your
greatness.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
But I have not had the least education. I can only read, and
that very badly.
-
DEMOSTHENES
That is what may stand in your way, almost knowing how to read.
A demagogue must be neither an educated nor an honest man; he has to
be an ignoramus and a rogue. But do not, do not let go this gift,
which the oracle promises.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
But what does the oracle say?
-
DEMOSTHENES
Faith, it is put together in very fine enigmatical style, as
elegant as it is clear: "When the eagle-tanner with the hooked claws
shall seize a stupid dragon, a blood-sucker, it will be an end to
the hot Paphlagonian pickled garlic. The god grants great glory to the
sausage-sellers unless they prefer to sell their wares."
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
In what way does this concern me? Please instruct my ignorance.
-
DEMOSTHENES
The eagle-tanner is the Paphlagonian.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
What do the hooked claws mean?
-
DEMOSTHENES
It means to say, that he robs and pillages us with his claw-like
hands.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
And the dragon?
-
DEMOSTHENES
That is quite clear. The dragon is long and so also is the
sausage; the sausage like the dragon is a drinker of blood. Therefore
the oracle says, that the dragon will triumph over the eagle-tanner,
if he does not let himself be cajoled with words.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
The oracles of the gods flatter me! Faith! I do not at all
understand how I can be capable of governing the people.
-
DEMOSTHENES
Nothing simpler. Continue your trade. Mix and knead together all
the state business as you do for your sausages. To win the people,
always cook them some savoury that pleases them. Besides, you possess
all the attributes of a demagogue; a screeching, horrible voice, a
perverse, cross-grained nature and the language of the market-place.
In you all is united which is needful for governing. The oracles are
in your favour, even including that of Delphi. Come, take a chaplet,
offer a libation to the god of Stupidity and take care to fight
vigorously.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Who will be my ally? for the rich fear the Paphlagonian and the
poor shudder at the sight of him.
-
DEMOSTHENES
You will have a thousand brave Knights, who detest him, on your
side; also the honest citizens amongst the spectators, those who are
men of brave hearts, and finally myself and the god. Fear not, you
will not see his features, for none have dared to make a mask
resembling him. But the public have wit enough to recognize him.
-
NICIAS (from within)
Oh! mercy! here comes the Paphlagonian!
- (CLEON rushes out of the house.)
-
CLEON
By the twelve gods! Woe betide you, who have too long been
conspiring against Demos. What means this Chalcidian cup? No doubt you
are provoking the Chalcidians to revolt. You shall be killed and
butchered, you brace of rogues.
-
DEMOSTHENES (to the SAUSAGE-SELLER)
What! are you for running away? Come, come, stand firm, bold
Sausage-seller, do not betray us. To the rescue, oh, Knights. Now is
the time. Simon, Panaetius, get you to the right wing; they are coming
on; hold tight and return to the charge. I can see the dust of their
horses' hoofs; they are galloping to our aid. (To the SAUSAGE-SELLER)
Courage! Attack him, put him to flight.
- (The CHORUS OF KNIGHTS enters at top speed.)
-
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Strike, strike the villain, who has spread confusion amongst the
ranks of the Knights, this public robber, this yawning gulf of
plunder, this devouring Charybdis, this villain, this villain, this
villain! I cannot say the word too often, for he is a villain a
thousand times a day. Come, strike, drive, hurl him over and crush him
to pieces; hate him as we hate him: stun him with your blows and your
shouts. And beware lest he escape you; he knows the way Eucrates took
straight to a bran sack for concealment.
-
CLEON
Oh! veteran Heliasts, brotherhood of the three obols, whom I
fostered by bawling at random, help me; I am being beaten to death
by rebels.
-
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
And justly too; you devour the public funds that all should share
in; you treat the treasury officials like the fruit of the fig tree,
squeezing them to find which are still green or more or less ripe;
and, when you find a simple and timid one, you force him to come from
the Chersonese, then you seize him by the middle, throttle him by the
neck, while you twist his shoulder back; he falls and you devour him.
Besides, you know very well how to select from among the citizens
those who are as meek as lambs, rich, without guile and loathers of
lawsuits.
-
CLEON
Eh! what! Knights, are you helping them? But, if I am beaten, it
is in your cause, for I was going to propose to erect a statue in
the city in memory of your bravery.
-
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Oh! the impostor! the dull varlet! See! he treats us like old
dotards and crawls at our feet to deceive us; but the cunning wherein
his power lies shall this time recoil on himself; he trips up himself
by resorting to such artifices.
-
CLEON
Oh citizens! oh people! see how these brutes are bursting my
belly.
-
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
What shouts! but it's this very bawling that incessantly upsets
the city!
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
I can shout too- and so loud that you will flee with fear.
-
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
If you shout louder than he does I will strike up the triumphal
hymn; if you surpass him in impudence the cake is ours.
-
CLEON
I denounce this fellow; he has had tasty stews exported from
Athens for the Spartan fleet.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
And I denounce him; he runs into the Prytaneum with an empty
belly and comes out with it full.
-
DEMOSTHENES
And by Zeus! he carries off bread, meat, and fish, which is
forbidden. Pericles himself never had this right.
(A screaming match now ensues, each line more raucous than the
last. The rapidity of the dialogue likewise increases.)
-
CLEON
You are travelling the right road to get killed.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
I'll bawl three times as loud as you.
-
CLEON
I will deafen you with my yells.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
And I you with my bellowing.
-
CLEON
I shall calumniate you, if you become a Strategus.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Dog, I will lay your back open with the lash.
-
CLEON
I will make you drop your arrogance.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
I will baffle your machinations.
-
CLEON
Dare to look me in the face!
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
I too was brought up in the market-place.
-
CLEON
I will cut you to shreds if you whisper a word.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
If you open your mouth, I'll shut it with shit.
-
CLEON
I admit I'm a thief; that's more than you do.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
By our Hermes of the market-place, if caught in the act, why, I
perjure myself before those who saw me.
-
CLEON
These are my own special tricks. I will denounce you to the
Prytanes as the owner of sacred tripe, that has not paid tithe.
-
CHORUS (singing)
Oh! you scoundrel! you impudent bawler! everything is filled with
your daring, all Attica, the Assembly, the Treasury, the decrees, the
tribunals. As a furious torrent you have overthrown our city; your
outcries have deafened Athens and, posted upon a high rock, you have
lain in wait for the tribute moneys as the fisherman does for the
tunny-fish.
-
CLEON (somewhat less loudly)
I know your tricks; it's an old plot resoled.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
If you know naught of soling, I understand nothing of sausages;
you, who cut bad leather on the slant to make it look stout and
deceive the country yokels. They had not worn it a day before it had
stretched some two spans.
-
DEMOSTHENES
That's the very trick he played on me; both my neighbours and my
friends laughed heartily at me, and before I reached Pergasae I was
swimming in my shoes.
-
CHORUS (singing)
Have you not always shown that blatant impudence, which is the
sole strength of our orators? You push it so far, that you, the head
of the State, dare to milk the purses of the opulent aliens and, at
sight of you, the son of Hippodamus melts into tears. But here is
another man who gives me pleasure, for he is a much greater rascal
than you; he will overthrow you; 'tis easy to see, that he will beat
you in roguery, in brazenness and in clever turns. Come, you, who have
been brought up among the class which to-day gives us all our great
men, show us that a liberal education is mere tomfoolery.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Just hear what sort of fellow that fine citizen is.
-
CLEON
Will you not let me speak?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Assuredly not, for I too am an awful rascal.
-
DEMOSTHENES
If he does not give in at that, tell him your parents were awful
rascals too.
-
CLEON
Once more, will you let me speak?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
No, by Zeus!
-
CLEON
Yes, by Zeus, you shall!
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
No, by Posidon! We will fight first to see who shall speak first.
-
CLEON
I will die sooner.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
I will not let you...
-
DEMOSTHENES
Let him, in the name of the gods, let him die.
-
CLEON
What makes you so bold as to dare to speak to my face?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Because I know both how to speak and how to cook.
-
CLEON
Hah! the fine speaker! Truly, if some business matter fell your
way, you would know thoroughly well how to attack it, to carve it up
alive! Shall I tell you what has happened to you? Like so many others,
you have gained some petty lawsuit against some alien. Did you drink
enough water to inspire you? Did you mutter over the thing
sufficiently through the night, spout it along the street, recite it
to all you met? Have you bored your friends enough with it? And for
this you deem yourself an orator. You poor fool!
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
And what do you drink yourself then, to be able all alone by
yourself to dumbfound and stupefy the city so with your clamour?
-
CLEON
Can you match me with a rival? Me? When I have devoured a good hot
tunny-fish and drunk on top of it a great jar of unmixed wine. I say
"to Hell with the generals of Pylos!"
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
And I, when I have bolted the tripe of an ox together with a sow's
belly and swallowed the broth as well, I am fit, though slobbering
with grease, to bellow louder than all orators and to terrify Nicias.
-
DEMOSTHENES
I admire your language so much; the only thing I do not approve is
that you swallow all the broth yourself.
-
CLEON
Even though you gorged yourself on sea-dogs, you would not beat
the Milesians.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Give me a bullock's breast to devour, and I am a man to traffic in
mines.
-
CLEON
I will rush into the Senate and set them all by the ears.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
And I will pull out your arse to stuff like a sausage.
-
CLEON
As for me, I will seize you by the rump and hurl you head foremost
through the door.
-
DEMOSTHENES
By Posidon, only after you have thrown me there first.
-
CLEON (Beginning another crescendo of competitive screeching)
Beware of the carcan!
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
I denounce you for cowardice.
-
CLEON
I will tan your hide.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
I will flay you and make a thief's pouch with the skin.
-
CLEON
I will peg you out on the ground.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
I will slice you into mince-meat.
-
CLEON
I will tear out your eyelashes.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
I will slit your gullet.
-
DEMOSTHENES
We will set his mouth open with a wooden stick as the cooks do
with pigs; we will tear out his tongue, and, looking down his gaping
throat, will see whether his inside has any pimples.
-
CHORUS (singing)
Thus then at Athens we have something more fiery than fire, more
impudent than impudence itself! 'Tis a grave matter; come, we will
push and jostle him without mercy. There, you grip him tightly under
the arms; if he gives way at the onset, you will find him nothing
but a craven; I know my man.
-
DEMOSTHENES
That he has been all his life and he has only made himself a
name by reaping another's harvest; and now he has tied up the ears
he gathered over there, he lets them dry and seeks to sell them.
-
CLEON
I do not fear you as long as there is a Senate and a people which
stands like a fool, gaping in the air.
-
CHORUS (singing)
What unparalleled impudence! 'Tis ever the same brazen front. If I
don't hate you, why, I'm ready to take the place of the one blanket
Cratinus wets; I'll offer to play a tragedy by Morsimus. Oh! you
cheat! who turn all into money, who flutter from one extortion to
another; may you disgorge as quickly as you have crammed yourself!
Then only would I sing, "Let us drink, let us drink to this happy
event!" Then even the son of Ulius, the old wheat-fairy, would empty
his cup with transports of joy, crying, "Io, Paean! Io, Bacchus!"
-
CLEON
By Posidon! You! would you beat me in impudence! If you succeed,
may I no longer have my share of the victims offered to Zeus on the
city altar.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
And I, I swear by the blows that have so oft rained upon my
shoulders since infancy, and by the knives that have cut me, that I
will show more effrontery than you; as sure as I have rounded this
fine stomach by feeding on the pieces of bread that had cleansed other
folk's greasy fingers.
-
CLEON
On pieces of bread, like a dog! Ah! wretch! you have the nature of
a dog and you dare to fight a dog-headed ape?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
I have many another trick in my sack, memories of my childhood's
days. I used to linger around the cooks and say to them, "Look,
friends, don't you see a swallow? It's the herald of springtime."
And while they stood, their noses in the air, I made off with a piece
of meat.
-
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Oh! most clever man! How well thought out! You did as the eaters
of artichokes, you gathered them before the return of the swallows.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
They could make nothing of it; or, if they suspected a trick, I
hid the meat in my crotch and denied the thing by all the gods; so
that an orator, seeing me at the game, cried, "This child will get on;
he has the mettle that makes a statesman."
-
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
He argued rightly; to steal, perjure yourself and make your arse
receptive are three essentials for climbing high.
-
CLEON
I will stop your insolence, or rather the insolence of both of
you. I will throw myself upon you like a terrible hurricane ravaging
both land and sea at the will of its fury.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Then I will gather up my sausages and entrust myself to the kindly
waves of fortune so as to make you all the more enraged.
-
DEMOSTHENES
And I will watch in the bilges in case the boat should make water.
-
CLEON
No, by Demeter! I swear, it will not be with impunity that you
have thieved so many talents from the Athenians.
-
DEMOSTHENES (to the SAUSAGE-SELLER)
Oh! oh! reef your sail a bit! Here is a Northeaster blowing
calumniously.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
I know that you got ten talents out of Potidaea.
-
CLEON
Wait! I will give you one; but keep it dark!
-
DEMOSTHENES (aside)
Hah! that will please him mightily; (to the SAUSAGE-SELLER) now
you can travel under full sail. The wind has lost its violence.
-
CLEON
I will bring four suits against you, each of one hundred talents.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
And I twenty against you for shirking duty and more than a
thousand for robbery.
-
CLEON
I maintain that your parents were guilty of sacrilege against
the goddess.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
And I, that one of your grandfathers was a satellite....
-
CLEON
To whom? Explain!
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
To Byrsina, the mother of Hippias.
-
CLEON
You are an impostor.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
And you are a rogue.
- (He strikes CLEON with a sausage.)
-
DEMOSTHENES
Hit him hard.
-
CLEON
Alas! The conspirators are murdering me!
-
DEMOSTHENES (to the SAUSAGE-SELLER)
Hit him! Hit him with all your might! Bruise his belly and lash
him with your guts and your tripe! Punish him with both hands!
- (CLEON sinks beneath the blows.)
-
CHORUS-LEADER
Oh! vigorous assailant and intrepid heart! See how you have
totally routed him in this duel of abuse, so that to us and to the
citizens you seem the saviour of the city. How shall I give tongue
to my joy and praise you sufficiently?
-
CLEON (recovering his wits)
Ah! by Demeter! I was not ignorant of this plot and these
machinations that were being forged and nailed and put together
against me.
-
DEMOSTHENES (to the SAUSAGE-SELLER)
Look out, look out! Come, outfence him with some wheelwright
slang.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
His tricks at Argos do not escape me. Under pretence of forming an
alliance with the Argives, he is hatching a plot with the
Lacedaemonians there; and I know why the bellows are blowing and the
metal that is on the anvil; it's the question of the prisoners.
-
DEMOSTHENES
Well done! Forge on, if he be a wheelwright.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
And there are men at Sparta who are hammering the iron with you;
but neither gold nor silver nor prayers nor anything else shall impede
my denouncing your trickery to the Athenians.
-
CLEON
As for me, I hasten to the Senate to reveal your plotting, your
nightly gatherings in the city, your trafficking with the Medes and
with the Great King, and all you are foraging for in Boeotia.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
What price then is paid for forage by Boeotians?
-
CLEON
Oh! by Heracles! I will tan your hide.
- (He departs.)
-
DEMOSTHENES
Come, if you have both wit and heart, now is the time to show
it, as on the day when you hid the meat in your crotch, as you say.
Hasten to the Senate, for he will rush there like a tornado to
calumniate us all and give vent to his fearful bellowings.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
I am going, but first I must rid myself of my tripe and my knives;
I will leave them here.
-
DEMOSTHENES
Stay! rub your neck with lard; in this way you will slip between
the fingers of calumny.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Spoken like a finished wrestling coach.
-
DEMOSTHENES
Now, bolt down these cloves of garlic.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Pray, what for?
-
DEMOSTHENES
Well primed with garlic, you will have greater mettle for the
fight. But hurry, make haste rapidly!
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
That's just what I'm doing.
- (He departs.)
-
DEMOSTHENES
And, above all, bite your foe, rend him to atoms, tear off his
comb and do not return until you have devoured his wattles.
- (He goes into the house of DEMOS.)
-
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Go! make your attack with a light heart, avenge me and may Zeus
guard you! I burn to see you return the victor and laden with chaplets
of glory. And you, spectators, enlightened critics of all kind of
poetry, lend an ear to my anapests. (The Chorus moves forward and
faces the audience.)
Had one of the old authors asked me to mount this stage to recite
his verses, he would not have found it hard to persuade me. But our
poet of to-day is likewise worthy of this favour; he shares our
hatred, he dares to tell the truth, he boldly braves both waterspouts
and hurricanes. Many among you, he tells us, have expressed wonder,
that he has not long since had a piece presented in his own name, and
have asked the reason why. This is what he bids us say in reply to
your questions; it is not without grounds that he has courted the
shade, for, in his opinion, nothing is more difficult than to
cultivate the comic Muse; many court her, but very few secure her
favours. Moreover, he knows that you are fickle by nature and betray
your poets when they grow old. What fate befell Magnes, when his hair
went white? Often enough had he triumphed over his rivals; he had sung
in all keys, played the lyre and fluttered wings; he turned into a
Lydian and even into a gnat, daubed himself with green to become a
frog. All in vain! When young, you applauded him; in his old age you
hooted and mocked him, because his genius for raillery had gone.
Cratinus again was like a torrent of glory rushing across the plain,
up-rooting oak, plane tree and rivals and bearing them pell-mell in
his wake. The only songs at the banquet were, "Doro, shod with lying
tales" and "Adepts of the Lyric Muse," so great was his renown. Look
at him now! he drivels, his lyre has neither strings nor keys, his
voice quivers, but you have no pity for him, and you let him wander
about as he can, like Connas, his temples circled with a withered
chaplet; the poor old fellow is dying of thirst; he who, in honour of
his glorious past, should be in the Prytaneum drinking at his ease,
and instead of trudging the country should be sitting amongst the
first row of the spectators, close to the statue of Dionysus and
loaded with perfumes. Crates, again, have you done hounding him with
your rage and your hisses? True, it was but meagre fare that his
sterile Muse could offer you; a few ingenious fancies formed the sole
ingredients, but nevertheless he knew how to stand firm and to recover
from his falls. It is such examples that frighten our poet; in
addition, he would tell himself, that before being a pilot, he must
first know how to row, then to keep watch at the prow, after that how
to gauge the winds, and that only then would he be able to command his
vessel. If then you approve this wise caution and his resolve that
he would not bore you with foolish nonsense, raise loud waves of
applause in his favour this day, so that, at this Lenaean feast, the
breath of your favour may swell the sails of his triumphant galley and
the poet may withdraw proud of his success, with head erect and his
face beaming with delight.
-
FIRST SEMI-CHORUS (singing)
Posidon, god of the racing steeds, I salute you, you who delight
in their neighing and in the resounding clatter of their brass-shod
hoofs, god of the swift galleys, which, loaded with mercenaries,
cleave the seas with their azure beaks, god of the equestrian
contests, in which young rivals, eager for glory, ruin themselves
for the sake of distinction with their chariots in the arena, come and
direct our chorus; Posidon with the trident of gold, you, who reign
over the dolphins, who are worshipped at Sunium and at Geraestus
beloved of Phormio, and dear to the whole city above all the
immortals, I salute you!
-
LEADER OF FIRST SEMI-CHORUS
Let us sing the glory of our forefathers; ever victors, both on
land and sea, they merit that Athens, rendered famous by these, her
worthy sons, should write their deeds upon the sacred peplus. As
soon as they saw the enemy, they at once sprang at him without ever
counting his strength. Should one of them fall in the conflict he
would shake off the dust, deny his mishap and begin the struggle anew.
Not one of these generals of old time would have asked Cleaenetus to
be fed at the cost of the State; but our present men refuse to fight,
unless they get the honours of the Prytaneum and precedence in their
seats. As for us, we place our valour gratuitously at the service of
Athens and of her gods; our only hope is that, should peace ever put a
term to our toils, you will not grudge us our long, scented hair nor
our delicate care for our toilet.
-
SECOND SEMI-CHORUS (singing)
Oh! Pallas, guardian of Athens, you, who reign over the most pious
city, the most powerful, the richest in warriors and in poets, hasten
to my call, bringing in your train our faithful ally in all our
expeditions and combats, Victory, who smiles on our choruses and
fights with us against our rivals. Oh! goddess! manifest yourself to
our sight; this day more than ever we deserve that you should ensure
our triumph.
-
LEADER OF SECOND SEMI-CHORUS
We will sing likewise the exploits of our steeds! they are worthy
of our praises; in what invasions, what fights have I not seen them
helping us! But especially admirable were they, when they bravely
leapt upon the galleys, taking nothing with them but a coarse wine,
some cloves of garlic and onions; despite this, they nevertheless
seized the sweeps just like men, curved their backs over the thwarts
and shouted, "Hippapai! Give way! Come, all pull together! Come,
come! How! Samphoras! Are you not rowing?" They rushed down upon the
coast of Corinth, and the youngest hollowed out beds in the sand with
their hoofs or went to fetch coverings; instead of luzern, they had no
food but crabs, which they caught on the strand and even in the sea;
so that Theorus causes a Corinthian crab to say, "'Tis a cruel fate,
oh Posidon neither my deep hiding-places, whether on land or at sea,
can help me to escape the Knights."
- (The SAUSAGE-SELLER returns.)
-
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Welcome, oh, dearest and bravest of men! How distracted I have
been during your absence! But here you are back, safe and sound. Tell
us about the fight you have had.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
The important thing is that I have beaten the Senate.
-
CHORUS (singing)
All glory to you! Let us burst into shouts of joy! You speak well,
but your deeds are even better. Come, tell me everything in detail;
what a long journey would I not be ready to take to hear your tale!
Come, dear friend, speak with full confidence to your admirers.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
The story is worth hearing. Listen! From here I rushed straight to
the Senate, right in the track of this man; he was already letting
loose the storm, unchaining the lightning, crushing the Knights
beneath huge mountains of calumnies heaped together and having all the
air of truth; he called you conspirators and his lies caught root like
weeds in every mind; dark were the looks on every side and brows were
knitted. When I saw that the Senate listened to him favourably and was
being tricked by his imposture I said to myself, "Come, gods of
rascals and braggarts, gods of all fools, and toad-eaters, and thou
too, oh market-place, wherein I was bred from my earliest days, give
me unbridled audacity, an untiring chatter and a shameless voice."
No sooner had I ended this prayer than a pederast farted on my right.
"Hah! a good omen," said I, and prostrated myself; then I burst open
the door by a vigorous push with my arse, and, opening my mouth to the
utmost, shouted, "Senators, I wanted you to be the first to hear the
good news; since the war broke out, I have never seen anchovies at a
lower price!" All faces brightened at once and I was voted a chaplet
for my good tidings; and I added, "With a couple of words I will
reveal to you how you can have quantities of anchovies for an obol;
all you have to do is to seize on all the dishes the merchants have."
With mouths gaping with admiration, they applauded me. However, the
Paphlagonian winded the matter and, well knowing the sort of language
which pleases the Senate best, said, "Friends, I am resolved to offer
one hundred oxen to the goddess in recognition of this happy event."
The Senate at once veered to his side. So when I saw myself defeated
by this ox dung, I outbade the fellow, crying, "Two hundred!" And
beyond this I moved that a vow be made to Diana of a thousand goats if
the next day anchovies should only be worth an obol a hundred. And the
Senate looked towards me again. The other, stunned with the blow, grew
delirious in his speech, and at last the Prytanes and the Scythians
dragged him out. The Senators then stood talking noisily about the
anchovies. Cleon, however, begged them to listen to the Lacedaemonian
envoy, who had come to make proposals of peace; but all with one
accord cried "Certainly it's not the moment to think of peace now! If
anchovies are so cheap, what need have we of peace? Let the war take
its course!" And with loud shouts they demanded that the Prytanes
should close the sitting and then they leapt over the rails in all
directions. As for me, I slipped away to buy all the coriander seed
and leeks there were on the market and gave it to them gratis as
seasoning for their anchovies. It was marvellous! They loaded me with
praises and caresses; thus I conquered the Senate with an obol's worth
of leeks, and here I am.
-
CHORUS (singing)
Bravo! you are the spoilt child of Fortune. Ah! our knave has
found his match in another, who has far better tricks in his sack, a
thousand kinds of knaveries and of wily words. But the fight begins
afresh; take care not to weaken; you know that I have long been your
most faithful ally.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Ah! ah! here comes the Paphlagonian! One would say it was a
hurricane lashing the sea and rolling the waves before it in its fury.
He looks as if he wanted to swallow me up alive! Ye gods! what an
impudent knave!
-
CLEON (as he rushes in)
To my aid, my beloved lies! I am going to destroy you, or my
name is lost.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Oh! how he diverts me with his threats! His bluster makes me
laugh! And I dance the mothon for joy, and sing at the top of my
voice, cuckoo!
-
CLEON
Ah! by Demeter! if I do not kill and devour you, may I die!
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
If you do not devour me? and I, if I do not drink your blood to
the last drop, and then burst with indigestion.
-
CLEON
I, I will strangle you, I swear it by the front seat which Pylos
gained me.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
By the front seat! Ah! might I see you fall into the hindmost
seat!
-
CLEON
By heaven! I will put you to the torture.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
What a lively wit! Come, what's the best to give you to eat? What
do you prefer? A purse?
-
CLEON
I will tear out your insides with my nails.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
And I will cut off your victuals at the Prytaneum.
-
CLEON
I will haul you before Demos, who will mete out justice to you.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
And I too will drag you before him and belch forth more calumnies
than you.
-
CLEON
Why, poor fool, he does not believe you, whereas I play with him
at will.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Is then Demos your property, your contemptible creature?
-
CLEON
It's because I know the dishes that please him.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
And these are little mouthfuls, which you serve to him like a
clever nurse. You chew the pieces and place some in small quantities
in his mouth, while you swallow three parts yourself.
-
CLEON
Thanks to my skill, I know exactly how to enlarge or contract this
gullet.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
My arse is just as clever.
-
CLEON
Well, my friend, you tricked me at the Senate, but take care! Let
us go before Demos.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
That's easily done; come, let's do it right away.
-
CLEON (loudly)
Oh, Demos! Come, I adjure you to help me, my father!
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER (more loudly)
Come, oh, my dear little Demos; come and see how I am insulted.
-
DEMOS (coming out of his house followed by DEMOSTHENES)
What a hubhub! To the Devil with you, bawlers! Alas! my olive
branch, which they have torn down! Ah! it's you, Paphlagonian. And
who, pray, has been maltreating you?
-
CLEON
You are the cause of this man and these young people having
covered me with blows.
-
DEMOS
And why?
-
CLEON
Because you love me passionately, Demos.
-
DEMOS (to the SAUSAGE-SELLER)
And you, who are you?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
His rival. For many a long year have I loved you, have I wished to
do you honour, I and a crowd of other men of means. But this rascal
here has prevented us. You resemble those young men who do not know
where to choose their lovers; you repulse honest folks; to earn your
favours, one has to be a lamp-seller, a cobbler, a tanner or a
currier.
-
CLEON
I am the benefactor of the people.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
In what way, please?
-
CLEON
In what way? I supplanted the Generals at Pylos, I hurried thither
and I brought back the Laconian captives.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
And I, whilst simply loitering, cleared off with a pot from a
shop, which another fellow had been boiling.
-
CLEON
Demos, convene the assembly at once to decide which of us two
loves you best and most merits your favour.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Yes, yes, provided it be not at the Pnyx.
-
DEMOS
I could not sit elsewhere; it is at the Pnyx that you must appear
before me.
- (He sits down on a stone in the Orchestra.)
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Ah! great gods! I am undone! At home this old fellow is the most
sensible of men, but the instant he is seated on those cursed stone
seats, he is there with mouth agape as if he were hanging up figs by
their stems to dry.
-
FIRST SEMI-CHORUS (singing)
Come, loose all sail. Be bold, skilful in attack and entangle
him in arguments which admit of no reply. It is difficult to beat him,
for he is full of craft and pulls himself out of the worst corners.
Collect all your forces to come forth from this fight covered with
glory.
-
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
But take care! Let him not assume the attack, get ready your
grapples and advance with your vessel to board him!
-
CLEON
Oh! guardian goddess of our city! oh! Athene if it be true that
next to Lysicles, Cynna and Salabaccho none have done so much good for
the Athenian people as I, suffer me to continue to be fed at the
Prytaneum without working; but if I hate you, if I am not ready to
fight in your defence alone and against all, may I perish, be sawn
to bits alive and my skin cut up into thongs.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
And I, Demos, if it be not true, that I love and cherish you, may
I be cooked in a stew; and if that is not saying enough, may I be
grated on this table with some cheese and then hashed, may a hook be
passed through my balls and let me be dragged thus to the Ceramicus!
-
CLEON
Is it possible, Demos, to love you more than I do? And firstly, as
long as you have governed with my consent, have I not filled your
treasury, putting pressure on some, torturing others or begging of
them, indifferent to the opinion of private individuals, and solely
anxious to please you?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
There is nothing so wonderful in all that, Demos; I will do as
much; I will thieve the bread of others to serve up to you. No, he has
neither love for you nor kindly feeling; his only care is to warm
himself with your wood, and I will prove it. You, who, sword in hand,
saved Attica from the Median yoke at Marathon; you, whose glorious
triumphs we love to extol unceasingly, look, he cares little whether
he sees you seated uncomfortably upon a stone; whereas I, I bring you
this cushion, which I have sewn with my own hands. Rise and try this
nice soft seat. Did you not put enough strain on your bottom at
Salamis?
- (He gives DEMOS the cushion; DEMOS sits on it.)
-
DEMOS
Who are you then? Can you be of the race of Harmodius? Upon my
faith, that is nobly done and like a true friend of Demos.
-
CLEON
Petty flattery to prove him your goodwill!
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
But you have caught him with even smaller baits!
-
CLEON
Never had Demos a defender or a friend more devoted than myself;
on my head, on my life, I swear it!
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
You pretend to love him and for eight years you have seen him
housed in casks, in crevices and dovecots, where he is blinded with
the smoke, and you lock him in without pity; Archeptolemus brought
peace and you tore it to ribbons; the envoys who come to propose a
truce you drive from the city with kicks in their arses.
-
CLEON
The purpose of this is that Demos may rule over all the Greeks;
for the oracles predict that, if he is patient, he must one day sit as
judge in Arcadia at five obols per day. Meanwhile, I will nourish him,
look after him and, above all, I will ensure to him his three obols.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
No, little you care for his reigning in Arcadia, it's to pillage
and impose on the allies at will that you reckon; you wish the war
to conceal your rogueries as in a mist, that Demos may see nothing
of them, and harassed by cares, may only depend on yourself for his
bread. But if ever peace is restored to him, if ever he returns to his
lands to comfort himself once more with good cakes, to greet his
cherished olives, he will know the blessings you have kept him out of,
even though paying him a salary; and, filled with hatred and rage,
he will rise, burning with desire to vote against you. You know this
only too well; it is for this you rock him to sleep with your lies.
-
CLEON
Is it not shameful, that you should dare thus to calumniate me
before Demos, me, to whom Athens, I swear it by Demeter, already
owes more than it ever did to Themistocles?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER (declaiming)
Oh! citizens of Argos, do you hear what he says? (to CLEON) You
dare to compare yourself to Themistocles, who found our city half
empty and left it full to overflowing, who one day gave us the Piraeus
for dinner, and added fresh fish to all our usual meals. You, on the
contrary, you, who compare yourself with Themistocles, have only
sought to reduce our city in size, to shut it within its walls, to
chant oracles to us. And Themistocles goes into exile, while you gorge
yourself on the most excellent fare.
-
CLEON
Oh! Demos! Am I compelled to hear myself thus abused, and merely
because I love you?
-
DEMOS
Silence! stop your abuse! All too long have I been your dupe.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Ah! my dear little Demos, he is a rogue who has played you many
a scurvy trick; when your back is turned, he taps at the root the
lawsuits initiated by the peculators, swallows the proceeds wholesale
and helps himself with both hands from the public funds.
-
CLEON
Tremble, knave; I will convict you of having stolen thirty
thousand drachmae.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
For a rascal of your kidney, you shout rarely! Well! I am ready to
die if I do not prove that you have accepted more than forty minae
from the Mitylenaeans.
-
SECOND SEMI-CHORUS (singing)
This indeed may be termed talking. Oh, benefactor of the human
race, proceed and you will be the most illustrious of the Greeks. You
alone shall have sway in Athens, the allies will obey you, and,
trident in hand, you will go about shaking and overturning everything
to enrich yourself. But, stick to your man, let him not go; with lungs
like yours you will soon have him finished.
-
CLEON
No, my brave friends, no, you are running too fast; I have done
a sufficiently brilliant deed to shut the mouth of all enemies, so
long as one of the bucklers of Pylos remains.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Of the bucklers! Hold! I stop you there and I hold you fast. For
if it be true that you love the people, you would not allow these to
be hung up with their rings; but it's with an intent you have done
this. Demos, take knowledge of his guilty purpose; in this way you
no longer can punish him at your pleasure. Note the swarm of young
tanners, who really surround him, and close to them the sellers of
honey and cheese; all these are at one with him. Very well! you have
but to frown, to speak of ostracism and they will rush at night to
these bucklers, take them down and seize our granaries.
-
DEMOS
Great gods! what! the bucklers retain their rings! Scoundrel! ah!
too long have you had me for your dupe, cheated and played with me!
-
CLEON
But, dear sir, never you believe all he tells you. Oh! never will
you find a more devoted friend than me; unaided, I have known how to
put down the conspiracies; nothing that is hatching in the city
escapes me, and I hasten to proclaim it loudly.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
You are like the fishers for eels; in still waters they catch
nothing, but if they thoroughly stir up the slime, their fishing is
good; in the same way it's only in troublous times that you line your
pockets. But come, tell me, you, who sell so many skins, have you ever
made him a present of a pair of soles for his slippers? and you
pretend to love him!
-
DEMOS
No, he has never given me any.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
That alone shows up the man; but I, I have bought you this pair of
shoes; accept them.
- (He gives DEMOS the shoes; DEMOS puts them on.)
-
DEMOS
None ever, to my knowledge, has merited so much from the people;
you are the most zealous of all men for your country and for my toes.
-
CLEON
Can a wretched pair of slippers make you forget all that you owe
me? Is it not I who curbed the pederasts by erasing Gryttus' name from
the lists of citizens?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Ah! noble Inspector of Arses, let me congratulate you. Moreover,
if you set yourself against this form of lewdness, this pederasty,
it was for sheer jealousy, knowing it to be the school for orators.
But you see this poor Demos without a cloak and that at his age too!
so little do you care for him, that in mid-winter you have not given
him a garment with sleeves. Here, Demos, here is one, take it!
- (He gives DEMOS a cloak; DEMOS puts it on.)
-
DEMOS
This even Themistocles never thought of; the Piraeus was no doubt
a happy idea, but I think this tunic is quite as fine an invention.
-
CLEON
Must you have recourse to such jackanapes' tricks to supplant me?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
No, it's your own tricks that I am borrowing, just as a drunken
guest, when he has to take a crap, seizes some other man's shoes.
-
CLEON
Oh! you shall not outdo me in flattery! I am going to hand Demos
this garment; all that remains to you, you rogue, is to go and hang
yourself.
-
DEMOS (as CLEON throws a cloak around his shoulders)
Faugh! may the plague seize you! You stink of leather horribly.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Why, it's to smother you that he has thrown this cloak around
you on top of the other; and it is not the first plot he has planned
against you. Do you remember the time when silphium was so cheap?
-
DEMOS
Aye, to be sure I do!
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Very well! it was Cleon who had caused the price to fall so low,
that all might eat it, and the jurymen in the Courts were almost
asphyxiated from farting in each others' faces.
-
DEMOS
Hah! why, indeed, a Dungtownite told me the same thing.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Were you not yourself in those days quite red in the gills with
farting?
-
DEMOS
Why, it was a trick worthy of Pyrrhandrus!
-
CLEON
With what other idle trash will you seek to ruin me, you wretch!
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Oh! I shall be more brazen than you, for it's the goddess who has
commanded me.
-
CLEON
No, on my honour, you will not! Here, Demos, feast on this dish;
it is your salary as a dicast, which you gain through me for doing
naught.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Wait! here is a little box of ointment to rub into the sores on
your legs.
-
CLEON
I will pluck out your white hairs and make you young again.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Take this hare's tail to wipe the rheum from your eyes.
-
CLEON
When you wipe your nose, clean your fingers on my head.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
No, on mine.
-
CLEON
On mine. (To the SAUSAGE-SELLER) I will have you made a
trierarch and you will get ruined through it; I will arrange that you
are given an old vessel with rotten sails, which you will have to
repair constantly and at great cost.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Our man is on the boil; enough, enough, he is boiling over; remove
some of the embers from under him and skim off his threats.
-
CLEON
I will punish your self-importance; I will crush you with imposts;
I will have you inscribed on the list of the rich.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
For me no threats- only one simple wish. That you may be having
some cuttle-fish fried on the stove just as you are going to set forth
to plead the cause of the Milesians, which, if you gain it, means a
talent in your pocket; that you hurry over devouring the fish to rush
off to the Assembly; suddenly you are called and run off with your
mouth full so as not to lose the talent and choke yourself. There!
that is my wish.
-
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Splendid! by Zeus, Apollo and Demeter!
-
DEMOS
Faith! here is an excellent citizen indeed, such as has not been
seen for a long time. He's truly a man of the lowest scum! As for you,
Paphlagonian, who pretend to love me, you only feed me on garlic.
Return me my ring, for you cease to be my steward.
-
CLEON
Here it is, but be assured, that if you bereave me of my power, my
successor will be worse than I am.
-
DEMOS
This cannot be my ring; I see another device, unless I am going
purblind.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
What was your device?
-
DEMOS
A fig-leaf, stuffed with bullock's fat.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
No, that is not it.
-
DEMOS
What is it then?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
It's a gull with beak wide open, haranguing the people from the
top of a stone.
-
DEMOS
Ah! great gods!
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
What is the matter?
-
DEMOS
Away! away out of my sight! It's not my ring he had, it was that
of Cleonymus. (To the SAUSAGE-SELLER) Wait, I'll give you this one;
you shall be my steward.
-
CLEON
Master, I adjure you, decide nothing till you have heard my
oracles.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
And mine.
-
CLEON
If you believe him, you will have to prostitute yourself for him.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
If you listen to him, you'll have to let him peel you to the very
stump.
-
CLEON
My oracles say that you are to reign over the whole earth, crowned
with chaplets.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
And mine say that, clothed in an embroidered purple robe, you
shall pursue Smicythe and her spouse, standing in a chariot of gold
and with a crown on your head.
-
DEMOS
Go, fetch me your oracles, that the Paphlagonian may hear them.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Willingly.
-
DEMOS
And you yours.
-
CLEON
I'll run.
- (He rushes into the house of DEMOS.)
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
And I'll run too; nothing could suit me better!
- (He departs in haste.)
-
CHORUS (singing)
Oh! happy day for us and for our children if Cleon perish. Yet
just now I heard some old cross-grained pleaders on the market-place
who hold not this opinion discoursing together. Said they, "If Cleon
had not had the power, we should have lacked two most useful tools,
the pestle and the soup-ladle." You also know what a pig's education
he has had; his school-fellows can recall that he only liked the
Dorian style and would study no other; his music-master in displeasure
sent him away, saying; "This youth, in matters of harmony, will only
learn the Dorian style because it is akin to bribery."
-
CLEON (coming out of the house with a large package)
There, look at this heap; and yet I'm not bringing them all.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER (entering with an even larger package)
Ugh! The weight of them is squeezing the crap right out of me, and
still I'm not bringing them all!
-
DEMOS
What are these?
-
CLEON
Oracles.
-
DEMOS
All these?
-
CLEON
Does that astonish you? Why, I have another whole boxful of them.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
And I the whole of my attic and two rooms besides.
-
DEMOS
Come, let us see, whose are these oracles?
-
CLEON
Mine are those of Bacis.
-
DEMOS (to the SAUSAGE-SELLER)
And whose are yours?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER (without hesitating)
Glanis's, the elder brother of Bacis.
-
DEMOS
And of what do they speak?
-
CLEON
Of Athens and Pylos and you and me and everything.
-
DEMOS
And yours?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Of Athens and lentils and Lacedaemonians and fresh mackerel and
scoundrelly flour-sellers and you and me. Ah! ha! now watch him gnaw
his own tool with chagrin!
-
DEMOS
Come, read them out to me and especially that one I like so much,
which says that I shall become an eagle and soar among the clouds.
-
CLEON
Then listen and be attentive! "Son of Erechtheus, understand the
meaning of the words, which the sacred tripods set resounding in the
sanctuary of Apollo. Preserve the sacred dog with the jagged teeth,
that barks and howls in your defence; he will ensure you a salary and,
if he fails, will perish as the victim of the swarms of jays that hunt
him down with their screams."
-
DEMOS
By Demeter! I do not understand a word of it. What connection is
there between Erechtheus, the jays and the dog?
-
CLEON
I am the dog, since I bark in your defence. Well! Phoebus commands
you to keep and cherish your dog.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
That is not what the god says; this dog seems to me to gnaw at the
oracles as others gnaw at doorposts. Here is exactly what Apollo says
of the dog.
-
DEMOS
Let us hear, but I must first pick up a stone; an oracle which
speaks of a dog might bite my tool.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
"Son of Erechtheus, beware of this Cerberus that enslaves free
men; he fawns upon you with his tail when you are dining, but he is
lying in wait to devour your dishes should you turn your head an
instant; at night he sneaks into the kitchen and, true dog that he is,
licks up with one lap of his tongue both your dishes and... the
islands."
-
DEMOS
By god, Glanis, you speak better than your brother.
-
CLEON
Condescend again to hear me and then judge: "A woman in sacred
Athens will be delivered of a lion, who shall fight for the people
against clouds of gnats with the same ferocity as if he were defending
his whelps; care ye for him, erect wooden walls around him and towers
of brass." Do you understand that?
-
DEMOS
Not the least bit in the world.
-
CLEON
The god tells you here to look after me, for I am your lion.
-
DEMOS
How! You have become a lion and I never knew a thing about it?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
There is only one thing which he purposely keeps from you; he does
not say what this wall of wood and brass is in which Apollo warns
you to keep and guard him.
-
DEMOS
What does the god mean, then?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
He advises you to fit him into a five-holed wooden collar.
-
DEMOS
Hah! I think that oracle is about to be fulfilled.
-
CLEON
Do not believe it; these are but jealous crows, that caw against
me; but never cease to cherish your good hawk; never forget that he
brought you those Lacedaemonian fish, loaded with chains.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Ah! if the Paphlagonian ran any risk that day, it was because he
was drunk. Oh, too credulous son of Cecrops, do you accept that as a
glorious exploit? A woman would carry a heavy burden if only a man had
put it on her shoulders. But to fight! Go to! he would empty his
bowels before he would ever fight.
-
CLEON
Note this Pylos in front of Pylos, of which the oracle speaks,
"Pylos is before Pylos."
-
DEMOS
How "in front of Pylos"? What does he mean by that?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
He says he will seize upon your bath-tubs.
-
DEMOS
Then I shall not bathe to-day.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
No, as he has stolen our baths. But here is an oracle about the
fleet, to which I beg your best attention.
-
DEMOS
Read on! I am listening; let us first see how we are to pay our
sailors.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
"Son of Aegeus, beware of the tricks of the dog-fox, he bites from
the rear and rushes off at full speed; he is nothing but cunning and
perfidy." Do you know what the oracle intends to say?
-
DEMOS
The dog-fox is Philostratus.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
No, no, it's Cleon; he is incessantly asking you for light vessels
to go and collect the tributes, and Apollo advises you not to grant
them.
-
DEMOS
What connection is there between a galley and dog-fox?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
What connection? Why, it's quite plain- a galley travels as fast
as a dog.
-
DEMOS
Why, then, does the oracle not say dog instead of dog-fox?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Because he compares the soldiers to young foxes, who, like them,
eat the grapes in the fields.
-
DEMOS
Good! Well then! how am I to pay the wages of my young foxes?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
I will undertake that, and in three days too! But listen to this
further oracle, by which Apollo puts you on your guard against the
snares of the greedy fist.
-
DEMOS
Of what greedy fist?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
The god in this oracle very clearly points to the hand of Cleon,
who incessantly holds his out, saying, "Fill it."
-
CLEON
That's a lie! Phoebus means the hand of Diopithes. But here I have
a winged oracle, which promises you shall become an eagle and rule
over all the earth.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
I have one, which says that you shall be King of the Earth and
of the Red Sea too, and that you shall administer justice in Ecbatana,
eating fine rich stews the while.
-
CLEON
I have seen Athene in a dream, pouring out full vials of riches
and health over the people.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
I too have seen the goddess, descending from the Acropolis with an
owl perched upon her helmet; on your head she was pouring out
ambrosia, on that of Cleon garlic pickle.
-
DEMOS
Truly Glanis is the wisest of men. I shall yield myself to you;
guide me in my old age and educate me anew.
-
CLEON
Ah! I adjure you! not yet; wait a little; I will promise to
distribute barley every day.
-
DEMOS
Ah! I will not hear another word about barley; you have cheated me
too often already, both you and Theophanes.
-
CLEON
Well then! you shall have flour-cakes all piping hot.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
I will give you cakes too, and nice cooked fish; all you'll have
to do is eat.
-
DEMOS
Very well, mind you keep your promises. To whichever of you shall
treat me best I hand over the reins of state.
-
CLEON
I will be first.
- (He rushes into the house.)
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
No, no, I will.
- (He runs off.)
-
CHORUS (singing)
Demos, you are our all-powerful sovereign lord; all tremble before
you, yet you are led by the nose. You love to be flattered and fooled;
you listen to the orators with gaping mouth and your mind is led
astray.
-
DEMOS (singing)
It's rather you who have no brains, if you think me so foolish
as all that; it is with a purpose that I play this idiot's role, for I
love to drink the livelong day, and so it pleases me to keep a thief
for my minister. When he has thoroughly gorged himself, then I
overthrow and crush him.
-
CHORUS (singing)
What profound wisdom! If it be really so, why! all is for the
best. Your ministers, then, are your victims, whom you nourish and
feed up expressly in the Pnyx, so that, the day your dinner is
ready, you may immolate the fattest and eat him.
-
DEMOS (singing)
Look, see how I play with them, while all the time they think
themselves such adepts at cheating me. I have my eye on them when they
thieve, but I do not appear to be seeing them; then I thrust a
judgment down their throat as it were a feather, and force them to
vomit up all they have robbed from me.
(Cleon comes out of the house with a bench and a large basket; at
the same moment the SAUSAGE-SELLER arrives with another basket; the
two are placed beside one another.)
-
CLEON
Get out of here!
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Get out yourself!
-
CLEON
Demos, all is ready these three hours; I await your orders and I
burn with desire to load you with benefits.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
And I ten, twelve, a thousand hours, a long, long while, an
infinitely long, long, while.
-
DEMOS
As for me, it's thirty thousand hours that I have been impatient;
very long, infinitely long, long, long that I have cursed you.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Do you know what you had best do?
-
DEMOS
I will, if you tell me.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Declare the lists open and we will contend abreast to determine
who shall treat you the best.
-
DEMOS
Splendid! Draw back in line!
-
CLEON
I am ready.
-
DEMOS
Off you go!
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER (to CLEON)
I shall not let you get to the tape.
-
DEMOS
What fervent lovers! If I am not to-day the happiest of men, it
will be because I am the most disgusted.
-
CLEON (putting down the bench for DEMOS)
Look! I am the first to bring you a seat.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
And I a table.
- (He places his sausage-tray in front of DEMOS.)
-
CLEON
Wait, here is a cake kneaded of Pylos barley.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Here are crusts, which the ivory hand of the goddess has hallowed.
-
DEMOS
Oh! Mighty Athene! How large are your fingers!
-
CLEON
This is pea-soup, as exquisite as it is fine; Pallas the
victorious goddess at Pylos is the one who crushed the peas herself.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Oh, Demos! the goddess watches over you; she is stretching forth
over your head... a stew-pan full of broth.
-
DEMOS
And should we still be dwelling in this city without this
protecting stew-pan?
-
CLEON
Here are some fish, given to you by her who is the terror of our
foes.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
The daughter of the mightiest of the gods sends you this meat
cooked in its own gravy, along with this dish of tripe and some
paunch.
-
DEMOS
That's to thank me for the peplus I offered to her; good.
-
CLEON
The goddess with the terrible plume invites you to eat this long
cake; you will row the harder on it.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Take this also.
-
DEMOS
And what shall I do with this tripe?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
She sends it you to belly out your galleys, for she is always
showing her kindly anxiety for our fleet. Now drink this drink
composed of three parts of water to two of wine.
-
DEMOS
Ah! what delicious wine, and how well it stands the water.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
The goddess who came from the head of Zeus mixed this liquor with
her own hands.
-
CLEON
Hold, here is a piece of good rich cake.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
But I offer you an entire cake.
-
CLEON
But you cannot offer him stewed hare as I do.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER (aside)
Ah! great gods! stewed hare! where shall I find it? Oh! brain of
mine, devise some trick!
-
CLEON (showing him the hare)
Do you see this, you rogue?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER (pretending to look afar)
A fig for that! Here are some people coming to seek me. They are
envoys, bearing sacks bulging with money.
-
CLEON (Hearing money mentioned CLEON turns his head, and the
SAUSAGE-SELLER seizes the opportunity to snatch away the stewed hare.)
Where, where, I say?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Bah! What's that to you? Will you not even now let the strangers
alone? Dear Demos, do you see this stewed hare which I bring you?
-
CLEON
Ah! rascal! you have shamelessly robbed me.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
You have robbed too, you robbed the Laconians at Pylos.
-
DEMOS
Please tell me, how did you get the idea to filch it from him?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
The idea comes from the goddess; the theft is all my own.
-
CLEON
And I had taken such trouble to catch this hare and I was the
one who had it cooked.
-
DEMOS (to CLEON)
Get you gone! My thanks are only for him who served it.
-
CLEON
Ah! wretch! you have beaten me in impudence!
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Well then, Demos, say now, who has treated you best, you and
your stomach? Decide!
-
DEMOS
How shall I act here so that the spectators shall approve my
judgment?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
I will tell you. Without saying anything, go and rummage through
my basket, and then through the Paphlagonian's, and see what is in
them; that's the best way to judge.
-
DEMOS
Let us see then, what is there in yours?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Why, it's empty, dear little father; I have brought everything
to you.
-
DEMOS
This is a basket devoted to the people.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Now hunt through the Paphlagonian's. (Pause, as Demos does so)
Well?
-
DEMOS
Oh! what a lot of good things! Why it's quite full! Oh! what a
huge great part of this cake he kept for himself! He had only cut
off the least little tiny piece for me.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
But this is what he has always done. Of everything he took, he
only gave you the crumbs, and kept the bulk.
-
DEMOS (to CLEON)
Oh! rascal! was this the way you robbed me? And I was loading you
with chaplets and gifts!
-
CLEON
I robbed for the public weal.
-
DEMOS (to CLEON)
Give me back that crown; I shall give it to him.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Return it quick, quick, you gallows-bird.
-
CLEON
No, for the Pythian oracle has revealed to me the name of him
who shall overthrow me.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
And that name was mine, nothing can be clearer.
-
CLEON
Reply and I shall soon see whether you are indeed the man whom the
god intended. Firstly, what school did you attend when a child?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
It was in the kitchens, where I was taught with cuffs and blows.
-
CLEON
What's that you say? (aside) Ah! this is truly what the oracle
said. (To the SAUSAGE-SELLER) And what did you learn from the master
of exercises?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
I learnt to take a false oath without a smile, when I had stolen
something.
-
CLEON (frightened; aside)
Oh! Phoebus Apollo, god of Lycia! I am undone! (To the
SAUSAGE-SELLER) And when you had become a man, what trade did you
follow?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
I sold sausages and did a bit of fornication.
-
CLEON (in consternation; aside)
Oh! my god! I am a lost man! Ah! still one slender hope remains.
(to the SAUSAGE-SELLER) Tell me, was it on the market-place or near
the gates that you sold your sausages?
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Near the gates, in the market for salted goods.
-
CLEON (in tragic despair)
Alas! I see the prophecy of the god is verily come true. Alas!
roll me home. I am a miserable ruined man. Farewell, my chaplet. 'Tis
death to me to part with you. So you are to belong to another; 'tis
certain he cannot be a greater thief, but perhaps he may be a luckier
one.
- (He gives the chaplet to the SAUSAGE-SELLER.)
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
Oh! Zeus, protector of Greece! 'tis to you I owe this victory!
-
DEMOSTHENES
Hail! illustrious conqueror, but forget not, that if you have
become a great man, 'tis thanks to me; I ask but a little thing;
appoint me secretary of the law-court in the room of Phanus.
-
DEMOS (to the SAUSAGE-SELLER)
But what is your name then? Tell me.
-
SAUSAGE-SELLER
My name is Agoracritus, because I have always lived on the
market-place in the midst of lawsuits.
-
DEMOS
Well then, Agoracritus, I stand by you; as for the Paphlagonian, I
hand him over to your mercy.
-
AGORACRITUS
Demos, I will care for you to the best of my power, and all
shall admit that no citizen is more devoted than I to this city of
simpletons.
- (They all enter the house of DEMOS.)
-
CHORUS (singing)
What fitter theme for our Muse, at the close as at the beginning
of our work, than this, to sing the hero who drives his swift steeds
down the arena? Why afflict Lysistratus with our satires on his
poverty, and Thumantis, who has not so much as a lodging? He is dying
of hunger and can be seen at Delphi, his face bathed in tears,
clinging to your quiver, oh, Apollo and supplicating you to take him
out of his misery.
-
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
An insult directed at the wicked is not to be censured; on the
contrary, the honest man, if he has sense, can only applaud. Him, whom
I wish to brand with infamy, is little known himself; he's the brother
of Arignotus. I regret to quote this name which is so dear to me, but
whoever can distinguish black from white, or the Orthian mode of music
from others, knows the virtues of Arignotus, whom his brother,
Ariphrades, in no way resembles. He gloats in vice, is not merely a
dissolute man and utterly debauched- but he has actually invented a
new form of vice; for he pollutes his tongue with abominable pleasures
in brothels, befouling all of his body. Whoever is not horrified at
such a monster shall never drink from the same cup with me.
-
CHORUS (singing)
At times a thought weighs on me at night; I wonder whence comes
this fearful voracity of Cleonymus. 'Tis said that when dining with
a rich host, he springs at the dishes with the gluttony of a wild
beast and never leaves the bread-bin until his host seizes him round
the knees, exclaiming, "Go, go, good gentleman, in mercy go, and spare
my poor table!"
-
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
It is said that the triremes assembled in council and that the
oldest spoke in these terms, "Are you ignorant, my sisters, of what is
plotting in Athens? They say that a certain Hyperbolus, a bad citizen
and an infamous scoundrel, asks for a hundred of us to take them to
sea against Carthage." All were indignant, and one of them, as yet a
virgin, cried, "May god forbid that I should ever obey him! I would
prefer to grow old in the harbour and be gnawed by worms. No! by the
gods I swear it, Nauphante, daughter of Nauson, shall never bend to
his law; that's as true as I am made of wood and pitch. If the
Athenians vote for the proposal of Hyperbolus, let them! we will hoist
full sail and seek refuge by the temple of Theseus or the shrine of
the Eumenides. No! he shall not command us! No! he shall not play with
the city to this extent! Let him sail by himself for Tartarus, if such
please him, launching the boats in which he used to sell his lamps."
(The SAUSAGE-SELLER comes out of the house of DEMOS, splendidly
robed.)
-
AGORACRITUS (solemnly)
Maintain a holy silence! Keep your mouths from utterance! call no
more witnesses; close these tribunals, which are the delight of this
city, and gather at the theatre to chant the Paean of thanksgiving to
the gods for a fresh favour.
-
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Oh! torch of sacred Athens, saviour of the Islands, what good
tidings are we to celebrate by letting the blood of the victims flow
in our market-places?
-
AGORACRITUS
I have freshened Demos up somewhat on the stove and have turned
his ugliness into beauty.
-
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
I admire your inventive genius; but, where is he?
-
AGORACRITUS
He is living in ancient Athens, the city of the garlands of
violets.
-
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
How I should like to see him! What is his dress like, what his
manner?
-
AGORACRITUS
He has once more become as he was in the days when he lived with
Aristides and Miltiades. But you will judge for yourselves, for I hear
the vestibule doors opening. Hail with your shouts of gladness the
Athens of old, which now doth reappear to your gaze, admirable, worthy
of the songs of the poets and the home of the illustrious Demos.
-
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Oh! noble, brilliant Athens, whose brow is wreathed with violets,
show us the sovereign master of this land and of all Greece.
- (DEMOS comes from his house, rejuvenated and joyous.)
-
AGORACRITUS
Lo! here he is coming with his hair held in place with a golden
band and in all the glory of his old-world dress; perfumed with myrrh,
he spreads around him not the odour of lawsuits, but that of peace.
-
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Hail! King of Greece, we congratulate you upon the happiness you
enjoy; it is worthy of this city, worthy of the glory of Marathon.
-
DEMOS
Come, Agoracritus, come, my best friend; see the service you have
done me by freshening me up on your stove.
-
AGORACRITUS
Ah! if you but remembered what you were formerly and what you did,
you would for a certainty believe me to be a god.
-
DEMOS
But what did I do? and how was I then?
-
AGORACRITUS
Firstly, so soon as ever an orator declared in the Assembly,
"Demos, I love you ardently; it is I alone who dream of you and watch
over your interests"; at such an exordium you would look like a cock
flapping his wings or a bull tossing his horns.
-
DEMOS
What, I?
-
AGORACRITUS
Then, after he had fooled you to the hilt, he would go.
-
DEMOS
What! they would treat me so, and I never saw it?
-
AGORACRITUS
You knew only how to open and close your ears like a sunshade.
-
DEMOS
Was I then so stupid and such a dotard?
-
AGORACRITUS
Worse than that; if one of two orators proposed to equip a fleet
for war and the other suggested the use of the same sum for paying out
to the citizens, it was the latter who always carried the day. Well!
you droop your head! Why do you turn away your face?
-
DEMOS
I am blushing at my past errors.
-
AGORACRITUS
Think no more of them; it's not you who are to blame, but those
who cheated you in this sorry fashion. But, come, if some impudent
lawyer dared to say, "Dicasts, you shall have no wheat unless you
convict this accused man!" what would you do? Tell me.
-
DEMOS
I would have him removed from the bar, I would bind Hyperbolus
about his neck like a stone and would fling him into the Barathrum.
-
AGORACRITUS
Well spoken! but what other measures do you wish to take?
-
DEMOS
First, as soon as ever a fleet returns to the harbour, I shall pay
up the rowers in full.
-
AGORACRITUS
That will soothe many a worn and chafed bottom.
-
DEMOS
Further, the hoplite enrolled for military service shall not get
transferred to another service through favour, but shall stick to that
given him at the outset.
-
AGORACRITUS
This will strike the buckler of Cleonymus full in the centre.
-
DEMOS
None shall ascend the rostrum, unless his chin is bearded.
-
AGORACRITUS
What then will become of Clisthenes and of Strato?
-
DEMOS
I wish only to refer to those youths who loll about the perfume
shops, babbling at random, "What a clever fellow is Phaeax! How
cleverly he escaped death! how concise and convincing is his style!
what phrases! how clear and to the point! how well he knows how to
quell an interruption!"
-
AGORACRITUS
I thought you were the lover of those fairies.
-
DEMOS
The gods forefend it! and I will force all such fellows to go
hunting instead of proposing decrees.
-
AGORACRITUS
In that case, accept this folding-stool, and, to carry it, this
well-grown, big-balled slave lad. Besides, you may put him to any
other purpose you please.
-
DEMOS
Oh! I am happy indeed to find myself as I was of old!
-
AGORACRITUS
Aye, you will deem yourself happy, when I have handed you the
truce of thirty years. Truce! step forward!
(Enter Truce, in the form of a beautiful young girl, magnificently
attired.)
-
DEMOS
Great gods! how charming she is! Can I do with her as I wish?
where did you discover her, pray?
-
AGORACRITUS
That Paphlagonian had kept her locked up in his house, so that you
might not enjoy her. As for myself, I give her to you; take her with
you into the country.
-
DEMOS
And what punishment will you inflict upon this Paphlagonian, the
cause of all my troubles?
-
AGORACRITUS
It will not be over-terrible. I condemn him to follow my old
trade; posted near the gates, he must sell sausages of asses' and
dogs' meat; perpetually drunk, he will exchange foul language with
prostitutes and will drink nothing but the dirty water from the baths.
-
DEMOS
Well conceived! he is indeed fit to wrangle with harlots and
bathmen; as for you, in return for so many blessings, I invite you
to take the place at the Prytaneum which this rogue once occupied. Put
on his frog-green mantle and follow me. As for the other, let them
take him away; let him go sell his sausages in full view of the
foreigners, whom he used formerly to insult so wantonly.
-
-
THE END
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